


Highest rated series in franchise history, ever

by severina144



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Continuation, Canon Rewrite, F/F, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Canon, Pre-Relationship, autistic ezri dax
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:08:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 7,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24060355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/severina144/pseuds/severina144
Summary: A (hopefully) long fic charting the relationship between Kira Nerys and two hosts of the Dax symbiont: stretching from S1 well into post-canon.
Relationships: Ezri Dax/Kira Nerys, Jadzia Dax & Ezri Tigan, Jadzia Dax & Kira Nerys, Jadzia Dax/Kira Nerys, Kira Nerys/Mirror Kira Nerys
Comments: 12
Kudos: 21





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter takes place just after S1E18 (“Dramatis Personæ”)

It was shortly after coming to following her failed, psychically-influenced mutiny that Kira first began to consider consciously, however briefly and confusedly, an odd feeling that had taken hold in her heart. While under the influence of the ancient aliens, she had aggressively sought the allegiance of other officers aboard, none more so than Dax. In a certain way, this made sense: Dax, after all, was by far the sharpest and most experienced of her colleagues in Starfleet, not to mention a fast friend; Kira could admit to nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for Dax. And yet, the fact that they were able to get along at all was something she considered a miracle; during the Occupation, she would never be able to tolerate Dax’s whimsical, decadent ways. Indeed, she remembered all of what the aliens had brought back to her: the first weeks of Deep Space 9, when it still resembled Terok Nor; her distrust of Sisko and Dax and Bashir, her aggression, barely held back in the best of circumstances and only somewhat abated since.

What was curious to her was the manner in which Kira sought Dax’s allegiance. Julian had joked that she seemed more successful at picking up Jadzia than he did, blissfully unaware that such an interpretation would have otherwise never occurred to her. Yet as soon as this interpretation was brought to her attention, she found a way to dismiss it: it was merely teasing on behalf of the good doctor, an exaggeration. Besides, even if it were an accurate description, neither Kira nor Dax were quite themselves at the time.

But before Kira was able to return to everyday work in Ops she betrayed her dismissal with one last counterfactual: and anyway, even if it were flirtation, and even if there were something more to it than the alien influence, in other conditions, surely Dax wouldn’t return the interest. Dax, after all, was a positive xenophile, and though she affected a sense of calm and repose, Kira could tell that this was a mere rest from a hunger for adventure, remembering well a conversation earlier where Dax noted that she’d seriously considered dating Morn. What’s more, Dax was already sought by a number of suitors, and could easily take her pick of them; surely Kira, with her focus on Bajor rather than the Gamma Quadrant, with her lack of artistic talent, with her distaste for the holosuites, with her collegial and friendly relations, would be at least as beneath consideration as a romantic partner as Dr. Bashir, whose obsessive pursuit, which Kira disdained, seemed somehow not to trouble Dax: as though she were beyond it.

It would have come as a surprise, then, to know that at that moment, Jadzia, too, was reflecting on the events of the mutiny. Like Kira, her first instinct was dismissal of the come-on as alien influence, which, to her mind, was a disappointment. And yet, it didn’t appear as if the aliens totally overpowered their hosts’ personalities so much as exaggerated existing tendencies: perhaps, buried under all those layers of repression in the name of singleminded service to Bajor, deep beneath her own conscious awareness, Kira reciprocated the desire Dax had felt since arriving on Deep Space 9, the desire that Dax had spent a year locking away out of friendship and professionalism, the desire that she knew she could never reveal. Kira was a puzzle: despite exhibiting many cultural traits that, from Dax's memory of Bajor before the conquest, were associated with lesbianism, the thought never seemed to cross her mind; she seemed instead committed to the natalist doctrine championed by Kai Opaka and Vedek Winn. Jadzia could only conclude that it would be a mistake to confront her at this moment, and only scuttle whatever chances she had; and after all, there was ample time to let these feelings run their course. Until then, it would appear that Kira would continue to seek relationships with men she admired and respected but didn’t love, not in that way; men who were ideal Bajoran husbands: studious, sharp, devoted to the Prophets, to Bajor, and to family. Dax cursed silently that the Cardassians appeared to have succeeded in introducing homophobia to the Bajorans during the Occupation, even if the latter appeared cloaked in rebellion against the Cardassians, restoring Bajoran nationhood, and the faith that kept it together; Dax cursed that Kira seemed to have internalized it, that it would be long before she could appreciate yet another loss that the Cardassians dealt her.

Until then, the only hints Jadzia would let slip were the deep looks of longing and beautiful, radiant, disarming smiles she aimed at Kira, and the walks the two of them shared on the upper level of the Promenade, looking out the viewports.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place during S2E2 (“The Circle”) and S2E3 (“The Siege”)

When Dax heard the news of Kira’s transfer, it took all her strength of will not to reveal the whirlwind of sorrow and rage she felt, the powerlessness she felt at being unable to prevent it. All she could do was put on a happy face and give her a warm send-off.

How dare the Provisional Government, how dare that slimy Minister Jaro, how dare they remove her command, and, to add insult to injury, frame it as a promotion? The motivations for choosing Li Nalas (“Navarch”, whatever that meant) as liaison officer were offensively blatant, an insult to the intelligence of Kira, Benjamin, Li, indeed, to all station personnel.

She took a deep breath and prepared a gift; hopefully she could get a chance to talk to her in private before she left. When she arrived in Kira’s quarters, the Major was alone in her Bajoran undershirt, packing for her return; resigned to her fate, she refused to turn to look Dax in the face. Dax summoned all her optimism and good cheer, hoping not to break the air of caring calm she had worked so hard to cultivate. This may very well be the last chance she had to see the Major, however much Benjamin promised to bring her back. But there was still one idea that was worth a shot: why not stay on DS9 as a guest, a resident by invitation of Commander Sisko? It sounded unconvincing as soon as it left Dax’s mouth, and so there was only one thing left for her to say.

As soon as she worked up the courage to say it, as soon as she figured out how, as soon as the words “There’s something I’d like to tell you” formed on her tongue, the door opened. It was Odo. Soon after, it was Bashir, O’Brien, and Quark, too; so much for a quiet moment in private.

Seeing Kira’s face when she recognized Vedek Bareil as the latest intruder, hearing her instantly accept his proposal to visit his monastery, Dax’s already-low spirits fell, far deeper than she anticipated. It was a miracle that it never showed on her face, that she somehow could not hold any ill-will towards Bareil. All she felt, all she could feel, was the sheer emptiness of a life without Kira in it.

⁂

It would be banal to merely say that when Kira encountered the Orb at Vedek Bareil’s monastery, she found herself overwhelmed by images she could not anticipate; this was the case for _all_ orb experiences. When she consulted the orb, she saw herself in the Chamber of Ministers, with Dax dressed as a Vedek; a brief embrace, interrupted by the apparition of Vedek Winn and Minister Jaro, and then Dax again, behind her, with a wisdom whose content seemed characteristically Daxy but whose form seemed, by contrast, that of a Vedek; holding her as she stammered, confused, holding her as their clothes disappeared and then…

And then Kira emerged from the Orb, drained  and confused .  When Bareil asked her, later, whether he had appeared in her vision, she lied  unconvincingly “Yes”

⁂

As she came to in the monastery, after Bareil explained, the first thing she saw was Jadzia in Vedek robes and a prosthetic Bajoran nose, just as in the vision, but with the addition of a hood to hide her spots. Kira knew, subconsciously, that this image would remain burned in her mind for a long time to come.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place during S2E4 (“Invasive Procedures”)

Anger was familiar to Kira at the best of times, and it was far from the best of times when she was held hostage in Ops, seeing Verad proudly return with the symbiont, wholly indifferent to Jadzia’s imminent death, robbing her of her personhood, her memories, _herself_ purely to feed his own ego, his ambitions, his possessiveness and greed and entitlement. She was overcome by hate, by fear, by sorrow, and wondered how she was managing to not charge at him.

The restraint forced her to dwell less on her anger and more on her worry for Jadzia’s condition. In her last hours, would she remember Kira? Would she even be recognizable as the same person? It ate her alive to know that Jadzia was dying in the infirmary for the greed of a self-important faux-timid egotist and that there was nothing she could do about it.

⁂

Even though Jadzia had pronounced that Verad’s memories would remain with the Dax symbiont forever, the brevity of the joining meant that they only lasted a few days. Hearing this over lunch brought a smile to Kira’s face; it was in some way the ultimate defeat of Verad, completely destroying whatever legacy he hoped to leave behind. The transformation of the latter from a stuttering shy mess into a confident, calm man led Kira to wonder about Jadzia’s own past: what was she like, before she joined?

As if reading her mind, Dax, who was still in the healing process, began: “You know, I don’t think you would have befriended Jadzia Idaris”

“Why do you say that?”

“She was the shyest, most introverted person you would ever have met. What she knew best was how to disappear. She excelled in school, but that was all she had going for her. Her prime ambition for years was to be joined, and it almost ate up any other interests she had.”

After a brief lull, she continued: “Perhaps I’m being a bit too harsh; she’s still here with me, still growing. I still stand by my original statement”

Kira looked at her, hurt. “I don’t think I would dislike you….her. I’m not that disagreeable”

“But would you go out of your way to befriend her? She certainly would have been too intimidated to put up the effort.”

“I’m not intimidating!”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place during S2E19 (“Blood Oath”)

As Dax left aboard Kang’s ship, Kira reflected on their conversation earlier . What she had said to Dax was something she had heard, what seemed like a lifetime ago, from a ranjen, and yet it was not mere regurgitation but accorded well with her own experience in the resistance. She remembered when she first saw Dax, marvelling at her smooth skin bereft of any callouses, signalling to her a pampered upbringing and clearly no experience of war, no experience that the two could share. Seeing Dax shift, suddenly take on an 81-year old vendetta from a previous host, one which she could not be reasonably expected to be bound by, as if she had become a different person, was more than unsettling. Kira, who two years earlier would have been prepared to confront the deaths of any of her comrades, found herself worried for the life and well-being of her colleague and friend, someone she could no longer dismiss as a greenhorn.

How could someone so wise be so foolish? How could someone who had preached mercy, who had brought out the sides of her she had forgotten existed suddenly turn to murder for revenge, bereft of any political struggle? And why could she not find it within herself to condemn her for continuing despite her release from the oath, despite the death of the host who had made the oath, despite the objections of her commanding officer, despite the irrelevance of it to Klingon politics? Why was it that when Dax returned, Kira could only shoot her a sympathetic smile?

Perhaps they were more alike than she had thought.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place during S2E23 (“Crossover”); this chapter contains sexual content

Having entered the Intendant’s quarters to see her bathing, Major Kira felt an uncanny sensation the likes of which she had never faced before. To say it was looking into a mirror would do no justice to it: to the sensation of seeing someone who looked exactly like she did, whose worldview was a twisted version of her own, who she may, under different circumstances, have become, and yet which was in all respects the opposite of everything she stood for. She saw desire written all over her counterpart’s face, and thus had to face the uncomfortable possibility that it may lurk within herself, too. Yet this was no place for a reasoned introspection, and so she found herself barely able to speak, overwhelmed by the sight of the Intendant rising from her tub, asking her in a tone of her own voice she wasn’t aware she had why she hadn’t come to her about the transporter. A mere mirror could not provoke emotions quite this complex and confused, even for someone with a fraught self-image.

  
  


A sharp sensation of relief struck the Major’s shoulders as the door chimed behind her.

⁂

She thought of the Intendant the night after her return, despite all of her efforts. As images didn’t usually occur to her during her nightly ritual, that this particular image—not, for instance, one of her boyfriend—would be the first to show up surprised her: was she really that narcissistic? For her, this practice was one that had nothing to do with fantasies; normally, it was just a more private version of scratching an itch. Indeed, in the Resistance the overall attitude towards sexuality had been utilitarian: it was only now, after liberation and after survival receded as an active priority, that it was seen as more than a mere itch: now it was the duty of every Bajoran to have a family with many children, to repopulate the species after six decades of occupation. The idea that sexuality was something personal rather than a duty was something that the Occupation had indefinitely postponed for Bajor.

And yet the image remained, and no amount of surprise or embarrassment would drive it out, nor would contemplation lessen the claim it made to her attention. Of particular focus was the Intendant’s form-fitting, shiny black uniform, complete with the harness; Kira cursed herself for wondering, however briefly, why neither Starfleet nor the Bajoran Militia ever designed uniforms so stunning. And then she remembered the Intendant, having just emerged from the most luxurious bath she ever saw, the Intendant wrapped in a towel, her voice, her face, the way she could tower over her. She imagined what would have happened had her conversation in the Intendant’s quarters not been interrupted by the sudden appearance of Garak. The brief flutter in her heart, the purring of her counterpart’s voice, how the Intendant would grab her shoulders like she grabbed Dax’s shoulders; the Intendant holding her down on the bed, slowly descending to eat her out, at first with a cruel slowness, leaving her thrashing about, craving, though she could never admit it, a firmer and more sustained touch; the Intendant rewarding her with an intensity unmatched by prior experience.

The mechanics of it were not too different from that which she had experienced with comrades during the Occupation, but they were invested now with meaning and narrative.

Before sleep  could overtake her, she  thought about how it was certain that, a universe away, the Intendant indulged a similar fantasy, and the thought was enough to force her to postpone sleep for another hour.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place between Seasons 2 and 3; this chapter contains sexual content

As Dax walked back to her quarters from the Klingon restaurant, she asked herself why she, who had her choice of suitors, who was certainly not averse to and no stranger to hooking up, had been sleeping alone increasingly often over the course of the past few months. Even as she asked the question she knew the answer: she couldn’t keep the Major out of her mind. Ever since a disappointing dinner with Captain Boday, other people simply carried no interest of that sort for her; _ennui_ was poisonous for the prospect of a long string of hookups.

Instead, every night, she’d return to her quarters alone and choose a fantasy to explore from a long list. Tonight, she went with a fairly simple and, all things considered, tame test of stamina: a fantasy where she finally received her reward for having teased and toyed with the Major all day; where the Major, with a fire behind her eyes, would tie her to the bed and would not hold back. Her fantasy Major possessed a cruel streak that she would demonstrate by taking advantage of Trill sensitivity and flooding Jadzia’s body with stimulus far greater than Dax could on her own, even with this scenario in mind.

As she eased herself out of the fantasy,  the bliss of climax receding,  Jadzia  was struck with a pang of guilt.  Kira was, after all, her closest friend on DS9 besides Benjamin as well as a trusted colleague; it seemed  wrong to  fantasize about her ,  especially as she considered it unlikely, to say the least, that Kira would ever reciprocate her feelings.  Curzon’s influence did much to hold this guilt at bay: guilt over desire was  foolish  and counterproductive  when it ceased serving the purpose of self- mastery — a term the hedonist much preferred to ‘self-control’ — as it  could not actually eliminate desire, which only grows under repression,  as if the elimination of desire was anything less than an attempt to eliminate oneself .  Much better to admit it to oneself, to incorporate it into one’s path to self-mastery, to indulge it in private and keep it from spilling out in public.

And how could she  _not_ like Kira?  From the moment she stepped in from the airlock for the first time she found herself smitten with th e Major, whose photo could have appeared  in a dictionary  definition for “force of personality”.  She remembered when she first detected a note of friendship in Kira’s voice: the feeling of her heart jumping, how she danced alone in her quarters when off-duty that night.  Kira’s passion was not her only admirable trait: there was her kindness, her loyalty, her sense of humor, her acuity and her selflessness.  Of course, Dax’s attraction to Kira was not a detached admiration,  and did not solely concern the latter’s compelling personality:  Jadzia could go on for days about Kira’s smile, the glow in her eyes, her perfect short hair,  the way she carried herself walking about the station, and many other things besides .  If she could get Kira to laugh, it would make her day; if she could get Kira to hold her by the shoulders, it would make her week.

Dax needed a confidant: but who? She knew what Curzon would have done in a situation like this—joke about it nightly with Benjamin—but she wasn’t Curzon, and Benjamin was her superior officer, as was Kira; it would be too weird to discuss in full detail. Still, if she could conceal that it was Kira, if she could establish that the nature of her feelings were far more serious than the hedonism she shared with Curzon, it would be good to discuss this with Benjamin, who, after all, possessed that rare combination of maturity and a romantic soul.

The next candidate was Dr. Bashir, who, since he had ceased his pursuit of her months ago and sent a heartfelt apology, had become a friend of hers, discussing with her his lunches with Garak and racquetball matches with Chief O’Brien. But despite their friendship, Dax didn’t think he would have the maturity necessary for her to confide in him, at least, not the full details. What she really needed was a counselor, and she resolved to ask Benjamin and Dr. Bashir for one at the closest opportunity. Until then, she would have to satisfy herself with speaking to them of this matter vaguely and from a measured distance, a manner of speaking that she supposed Bashir, at least, would appreciate.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place during S3E4 (“Equilibrium”)

Dax was touched to find Kira visiting her in the infirmary, after her outburst. She knew that the Major had no reason to show her any sympathy, but here she was, with a face that had not anger but worry written on it, more than Dax felt that she deserved. She gave a weak smile as Kira met her extended arm, and grasped her shaking hand with a warm firmness.

“I’m so sorry about my horrible outburst.”

“It’s OK. Commander Sisko told me all about it: the hallucination, the isoboramine levels. I’m only sorry I can’t join you on the homeworld”

Dax had to hold back tears.

“Thank you so much. You don’t know how much it means to me that you’re here. I promise you, one day, I’ll take you to the Tenaran ice cliffs, too.”

Kira squeezed Dax’s hand before responding: “Of course I’d visit you! You’re my friend; I couldn’t just abandon you,” then, hoping to break the tension, “What’s the Trill homeworld like?”

Dax laughed. “I hope you like pickled food and cold weather.”

As the conversation continued, the mysterious anger that had possessed Dax seemed to fall by the wayside alongside her fears and worries, replaced by feelings of affection and desire, replaced by the feeling of Kira’s warm hand in hers, the experience of seeing her intense obsidian eyes gazing deep into her own. It took all of her self-control not to confess then and there her feelings, and suddenly Jadzia wondered when the counselor would arrive on DS9.

⁂

It had been two weeks since Dax’s return from the Trill homeworld when she finally returned to some semblance of her previous routine, almost as if it had never happened. Dax would, after all, never let slip any sign of vulnerability. The first question she asked Kira over lunch at the replimat surprised the latter: would she want to join Dax in the holosuites soon? Nothing dirty, she quickly clarified; she had a nice anti-grav sailing program that she wanted to try out, she thought Kira would have fun with it, and she wanted to spend time with Kira. She was not without apprehension: how could a trick of the light feel real? Was it not mere self-delusion, something that could never really work for someone like her, whose imagination was wholly consumed by the demands of war, who insisted on reality first and foremost? Yet somehow, despite all of these misgivings, she found that she couldn’t say no, not to those brilliant blue eyes, those engaging eyebrows, the wicked Dax smile. It was hard to admit to herself, let alone to anyone else, but she really did appreciate how much Jadzia challenged her: how she found all sorts of experiences Kira would have otherwise written off and made them seem tempting, had introduced her to so much she might otherwise never have known—with a hand outstretched, and seemingly limitless patience.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place during S3E5 (“Second Skin”)

When Kira returned from Cardassia Prime—or, more precisely, when she returned from the Infirmary, her identity confirmed and the face Entek gave her removed—after briefly talking with Legate Ghemor, the first thing she could think of doing was finding Dax. It did not escape her that both had, in their own ways, experienced something remarkably similar: a deadly crisis of identity provoked, or in Dax’s case, aggravated, by state conspiracy. Yet this was far from the most compelling thought in her mind at the time: all she really wanted to do was run into Dax, give her a hug and a sob, those responses that she had hidden throughout the Occupation and since; the response that just a year and a half ago, she would have still hidden from Dax despite their obvious and acknowledged friendship. But now she had learned that she could willingly show Dax, her closest friend, vulnerability; she could show her a quality she had not even shown her boyfriend Bareil.

It came as something of a welcome surprise for Dax that Major Kira should run to her and tackle her in a tight hug, tears in her eyes, while Dax wandered about the Promenade. Dax had been worried sick about the Major, and felt disappointed that she wasn’t included on the rescue mission. The two exchanged heartfelt “I missed you”s as they made their way to the replimat. As they calmed down, Dax asked if Kira would still be interested in anti-grav sailing.

Normally, Kira may have taken the opportunity to let the plan of anti-grav sailing in the holosuites lapse, but today she felt differently. She still found the holosuites an alien and false presence, and yet now she left herself open to the experience regardless, open to having her mind changed, though she fully expected it to stay the same. It would all be worth it, to participate in Dax’s joy,


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place during S3E10 (“Fascination”)

It had been a few days since the effects of Ambassador Troi’s zanthi fever upon the crew wore off, yet Dax found herself reflecting on it. She wondered why the effects of it were so _heterosexual_ ; though, perhaps it had something to do with Lwaxana’s own heterosexual preference, a preference Curzon certainly could attest to. Still, she thought, it would have been so much nicer if the virus had Kira and her fall head over heels; it was just embarrassing that she should fall for Benjamin instead, even if under the influence of heterosexual zanthi fever. But it would all be for naught; just as everyone agreed to forget the events of that Gratitude Festival, so too would they disregard this imagined version. She remembered an early attempt at flirtation, before she had realized that Kira was totally oblivious to the possibility of a lesbian relationship and would never share the desire Dax had for her. It was early in their stay on DS9, when Kira was still suspicious of the Federation and contemptuous of Starfleet (it would be another 3 months before she stopped calling it Terok Nor), though the signs of a softening attitude were already detectable, at least by Dax. It came as something of a surprise to her, then, when Kira stood outside Dax’s quarters; still more of a surprise was seeing the uncharacteristically absent-minded and relaxed expression on the Major’s face. Still, it was a welcome surprise, and so Dax scrambled to find a bottle of Romulan ale that she had saved for special occasions, grateful that Kira was distracted by the haphazard collection of tchotchkes that adorned her quarters. She had inherited most of them from Curzon, the rest, she had been given by his old lovers. Still, she wasn’t lying when she said to Kira that some of them were ancient, though of course, not by the standards of Bajoran civilization. Dax insisted that Kira have a glass of Romulan ale; after an initial refusal, she accepted. Having regained her composure, Dax put on some music, explaining that she “collected forgotten composers”: the piece she selected was a haunting yet passionate duet for women. She had hoped that Kira would ask her about it, would ask her as well about the libretto, about her lives and her time. But Kira sat in silence, and after finishing her glass, thanked Dax and left.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place between S3E10 (“Fascination”) and S3E13 (“Life Support”). It marks the introduction of Ezri, currently unjoined. To make her appearance on DS9 this early make sense at all, I’ve aged her up such that she’s as old here in Season 3 as she was canonically when introduced in the show, in Season 7.

The USS _Destiny_ was scheduled to dock at 0900 hours, and Commander Sisko made sure all of the top brass welcomed their new counselor, Ensign Ezri Tigan, aboard. Ensign Tigan was a mere 21 years old; in her brief time since her distinguished graduation from Starfleet Academy, she’d served as assistant ship’s counselor aboard the _Destiny_. Privately, Ezri felt herself nearly bursting at the seams in both anxiety and excitement: Deep Space 9 would be a considerable challenge, but it was exactly the assignment she’d hoped for.

As she entered from the airlock, Ensign Tigan found herself surrounded by faces she never thought she’d be lucky enough to see in person: Commander Sisko, Major Kira, and Lieutenant Dax in particular. She hadn’t expected Major Kira—or Lieutenant Dax, for that matter—to be quite so radiant, their smiles beaming at her. The stiff and formal official photos found in Starfleet documents did no justice to the two women standing in front of her: the Major’s striking dark eyes and sharp short hair, the way her nose wrinkled even further with her smile; the breathtaking height of the Lieutenant, the deep blue of her eyes.

There was a noticeable, if brief, silence before Ezri returned to attention. As she went off with Commander Sisko to be briefed, Lieutenant Dax offered to give her the tour, and indeed, when the Commander dismissed Ezri, she picked her up from his office, with only a moment’s hesitation, as Sisko had shot her a look as if to say: “Don’t pounce on her, old man”.

Ops was different from any starship bridge Ezri had seen before. She wondered how the officers manning the situation table didn’t collapse from fatigue daily: the stools seemed too spartan to offer much of an alternative to standing. Any decent designer would have given them seated workstations instead.

Next on the list was, of course, the Promenade. First Dax showed Ezri the security office, the Infirmary, and her new office: currently unfurnished, apart from a replicator; a small space just across from the Infirmary. Seeing the space, Ezri began to plan its interior: a nice, comfortable armchair for herself, a couch for her patients, a bookshelf (though she still didn’t know what books should be in her quarters and what in her office), some stuffed toys and fidget toys, both for her patients and for herself, constant quiet ambient music and dim lights. Dax was concerned that this whole time, Ezri hadn’t said anything. She reminded her of herself—of Jadzia Idaris, the shy girl. She felt a sudden need to protect her. Ezri looked up to see a caring expression on Lieutenant Dax’s face, and as soon as Dax noticed, she decided to take Ezri to the next leg of her tour.

The final stop before Lieutenant Dax showed Ezri the habitat ring, docking ring, and pylons was Quark’s. The proprietor seemed excited to find a new officer, a new customer, and as Lieutenant Dax introduced the two, Quark’s eyes flashed in recognition. He had only one question for Ezri: “Tigan? As in, the Tigan mining concern?”

“I turned my back on that a long time ago”

Crestfallen, he moved to another customer, and Lieutenant Dax took that as her cue to show Ensign Tigan the quarters arranged for her: again, unfurnished, apart from a replicator and, in the adjoining room, a built-in bed. “I apologize for the Cardassian beds. We’re looking to have them replaced, but until then, that’s what we have.” Unlike the Promenade, the lighting here formed a pattern on the floor, having been filtered through a grilles on the ceiling and the walls. It would all be OK as long as Ezri had her favorite stuffed toy: Wormy, the toy symbiont.

The two of them stood together in front of Lieutenant Dax’s favorite viewport on Upper Pylon Two, hoping to catch a glimpse of the wormhole. Turning to each other, Dax found herself looking in the eyes of the new counselor, which looked so much like her own; it took a lot of strength to keep her arms clasped behind her back and not hug Ensign Tigan, to not tell her how much she reminded her of herself, to not tell her that, had she aimed for it, she would have made a wonderful host.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to StephaniD for the adorable idea of Wormy the symbiont.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place during S3E13 (“Life Support”).

If the Major had chosen to take the day off, no one could blame her. It did not come as much of a surprise, however, to see her arrive at Ops that morning with a raktajino in hand, clearly shaken by the events of the past day and clearly trying to suppress its effects on her. She was, after all, no stranger to death, not of her loved ones, and not in the course of duty: she fully intended to mourn at her own pace and in the traditional manner, but to let it interfere with duty would be out of the question.

Commander Sisko expected that this would happen, and so called Kira in to his office to discuss it. He recommended that she talk to Ensign Tigan, the new counselor. He also knew that, however much she may agree that  this was a wise course of action, it was unlikely that she would follow this advice without a gentle push, and so called Dax in as soon as the Major left.

Dax knew it would be a mistake to bring the topic up to Kira during shift, but instead of joining her at the replimat as usual off-shift,  Kira had, quite understandably, returned to her quarters to be at peace. Dax hesitated: would it really be a good idea to disturb the Major in this process of mourning, even if it was ultimately for her benefit?  How long was too long to wait, how soon was too soon to nudge?  Asking such questions made her feel like Tobin all over again —or worse, like Jadzia,  the shy girl who was convinced that she had only become joined out of pity — and as she sighed and tried to call upon other memories (perhaps Audrid had something more helpful?), the counselor approached her table,  and asked if the seat was taken .  She looked back up from the table and asked if she could ask Ezri for advice. 

Both Jadzia and Ezri found the circumstance odd: that Jadzia would ask for advice about her closest friend from someone with far less life experience, who barely knew either (though Dax noted that Ezri flushed up a bit at the mention of Kira), but this was Ezri’s job. After a brief conversation, they’d agreed that Lieutenant Dax should approach Major Kira about this after shift tomorrow. And then it was time for Jadzia to ask Ezri about her experience on DS9 so far. Ezri felt honored, felt touched that Jadzia would take such an interest in her concerns. She didn’t, after all, shower this attention on every other ensign. She excitedly began to chirp about how she was trying to learn the Bajoran language, the books she was reading, her music practice, her curiosity about Bajoran meditative practices; and throughout it, Dax listened intently, never once letting herself be distracted. By the time she was done, Ezri’s Pyrellian ginger tea—her favorite drink since childhood: a Bajoran drink, though one which was, during the Occupation, almost exclusively produced for exports through Pyrellian traders and Cardassian consumption—was cold.

Kira again returned to her quarters after shift the next day, her attention devoted solely to the duranja in front of her, endlessly repeating a mantra for the pagh of Bareil Antos.  It came as an unwelcome surprise to hear the chirp of her doorbell, yet despite herself she said “Enter.”  As soon as she recognized Dax in the doorway, her irritation melted away,  though not quickly enough to stop a pained “Commander Sisko sent you, didn’t he? ”

“And what if he did? You and I both know that he’s right about this.”

Who was she to refuse the Emissary’s wish?  And indeed, in her heart she agreed with Dax: she couldn’t keep pushing it back on-shift and withdrawing off-shift.  She stared at her boots in silence until Dax said “Come on, let’s  have dinner  together .  I made you some hasperat. ”

“Made?”

“Benjamin has always sung the virtues of cooking your own food; I thought it would be good for me to learn how to make Bajoran cuisine”

“Well then, next time I’ll have to give you my father’s recipe”

She held back a tear. Dax was so kind to her, Neither of them had anything to say to each other, nothing that seemed appropriate to the situation, so all they could do was enjoy each others’ company.

Rather than put it off for another day, Kira decided after dinner that it was time to bite the bullet, that any more delays would just cause her to waver, and went to the counselor’s office.  Staring down at the warm cup of ginger tea in her hands, Kira confessed to Ezri:  “ I can’t help but feel guilty, like I’d failed Antos.  He was so perfect, in every respect, and he loved me wholeheartedly.  Compared to that, my feelings were selfish, half-hearted.  I don’t think I loved him nearly as much as he loved me, or nearly as much as I wanted to, or nearly as much as he deserved ”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place between S3E13 (“Life Support”) and S3E25 (“Facets”)

There was quite a crowd on the Promenade at the arrival of the Bajoran Minister for Urban Planning and the firm chosen to handle the reconstruction of the Bajoran capital and the refit of Deep Space Nine, headed by Inre T’Kol—daughter of a Bajoran refugee and a Vulcan musician— who was perhaps the best-known architect with any connection to Bajor. It was not, for the most part, a happy crowd: the Minister had recently signalled, in line with the general anti-urban policy preferences of First Minister _pro tempore_ and Kai Winn Adami, that the reconstruction plans for the capital be limited, focused on government buildings and the city center, and in particular that they omit construction of social housing, despite the abundance of displaced persons seeking a life there; for First Minister Winn, the displaced persons should be sent to the countryside, where rural values would straighten them out, or left to die. Near the front of the crowd stood a Bajoran woman identified by Odo as a former member of the Maquis and ex-Starfleet officer: a woman with short dark hair, who wore her earring on the left side, a sign that she did not follow the Prophets. Still, the Constable’s hands were tied: Commander Sisko had instructed him to keep a loose hand so long as the crowd remained peaceful.

As presented to the top officers in the wardroom, the plans for the refit—at the behest of Starfleet and not the Bajoran provisional government—were ambitious and wholly in line with the Federation’s luxury and decadence. Having been caught off-guard by the sudden importance of the Bajoran sector, the Federation could no longer countenance the embarrassment of relying on a Cardassian deathtrap. Still, Kira supposed it would be good to leave as few elements from Terok Nor as possible, and she couldn’t deny that luxury, however foreign it was to her, had become increasingly appealing. The first things to change would be those that Chief O’Brien and others had already called for: a replacement of the hacked-together Cardassian computer system (including the tiny Cardassian screens), more comfortable beds, the construction of emergency shelters, extensive weapons systems in case of Dominion invasion, and an elimination of the trip hazards. Much later would be the conversion of the pylons to two additional docking rings (including the repurposing of the former ore processing facilities), the construction of two additional habitat rings, a special holodeck solely for station personnel (for training and simulations), an expanded central core including Promenade expansions, a large park (including a solemn memorial to Terok Nor’s role in the Occupation), renovation of Ops so as to more closely resemble a bridge (complete with a central command chair where the situation table was, and the distribution of situation table functions to additional seated workstations facing the viewscreen), a diplomatic area with a Cardassian consulate, a Klingon consulate, a Romulan consulate, and a Ferengi consulate (along with new quarters for the Federation consulate and Bajoran consulate), additional conference rooms beyond the wardroom, additional worship rooms beyond the expanded Bajoran temple, and a monorail connecting it all alongside the turbolift. The refit was estimated to be concluded in 2380. Deep Space 9 would become a place for the powers of the α and β quadrants to work out their problems peacefully. It would be the last, best hope for peace.

That night, in the Replimat, Kira was approached by a  stern-looking  Bajoran woman with her earring on the left side:  the one that Odo had briefed her about .

“Ro Laren, I presume. Why do you want to talk to me?”

Ro did not ask how the Major knew who she was. 

“I wish to return to Bajor”

“Constable Odo says you’re a member of the Maquis. Why shouldn’t I throw you into a holding cell right now?”

“Ex-Maquis. I left earlier this year”

“May I ask why?”

Ro sighed. “The Maquis are a home for failed Starfleet officers to play hero, to be the big fish in a small pond.  When I joined them, I thought they were something more. ”

“Why are you coming to me?”

“I intend to join the Bajoran Militia, and I thought I’d ask for your support. A free and independent Bajor is where I belong.”

“Why me in particular?”

“Tom told me you shared my perspective. I also think we’re more alike than you’d like to acknowledge. I’d even say that the only difference between the two of us is that you grew up on Bajor, and I grew up in an offworld refugee camp.”

“That’s a rather big difference.”

Ro took out a PADD, and handed it to the Major. “ Perhaps this letter of recommendation will help you understand”

Kira nearly choked on her raktajino. “Picard? But wasn’t he—”

“The officer whose trust I betrayed, yes. I would be happy to explain the circumstances once I receive my commission. Suffice it to say, without these circumstances, Terok Nor would be a Dominion station right now.”

Kira gave a slight smile. “I look forward to hearing about it”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place during S3E25 (“Facets”)

After Jadzia talked to Benjamin about Curzon’s stubborn refusal to return to Dax, she found herself visiting Ezri, who had earlier taken on the personality of Audrid in her zhian’tara. She knew what she needed to do, but still didn’t feel strong enough to confront the most overbearing and influential personality in her memory, one who had intimidated her even before her joining. Perhaps she should have asked Benjamin to confront Curzon as he’d offered: it wouldn’t have been enough, but it would have made things easier.

Holding a ginger tea—Ezri had insisted—Dax laid out the barrier that still remained preventing her from confronting Curzon: “I’m worried that he’s right. I’m worried I was joined solely out of pity, that I’m not worthy to be a host.”

“Not worthy? But you _are_ a host—surely that’s proof enough? If you weren’t worthy, you’d have rejected the symbiont”

“Counselor, what’s the extent of your confidentiality?”

“Absolute, unless you plan on hurting someone else. This isn’t Earth in the 20th century.”

“Even to the Symbiosis Commission?”

“Of course. And even if we didn’t have an oath of confidentiality, what makes you think that I, who did not grow up on Trill, have greater loyalty to the Symbiosis Commission than to you?”

And so Jadzia told Ezri about Joran, and about the secret that underpinned the Symbiosis Commission.

“That explains why Commander Sisko was in the Infirmary. But, back to the task at hand: while I don’t have Audrid’s memories anymore, I do remember her telling you, with my mouth, that she was proud of you. And I can tell you, as your counselor and as your friend, if you’d call me a friend, that I admire you, and look up to you.”

“That’s good to hear, I guess”

“I’d advise you not to hesitate any longer. The longer you put off this confrontation, the more hopeless it will seem, the more confident and overbearing Curzon will be. Best to get it over with now”

Twenty minutes later, she did.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place between Season 3 and Season 4. This chapter includes explicit discussion of alien sexual biology (specifically, Trill).

Before the misadventure near the Tzenkethi border, there were two celebrations planned for promotions. The nature of the first meant that the latter was pushed back a week, such that it not become a somber affair. This celebration would honor three promotions: the promotion of Dax to Lieutenant Commander, Doctor Bashir to Lieutenant, and Counselor Tigan to Lieutenant, junior grade. Captain Sisko had prepared the food himself and had procured, at Jadzia’s request, Romulan ale for the ceremony, alongside springwine and synthale. As Captain Sisko handed the pips to the three young officers, the crowd sprung to life, with a refrain of “For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow” for each of them.

Normally, Kira stuck to springwine and synthale (being fairly light, they rarely caused a loss of control; it didn’t hurt that, as Bajoran drinks, they were familiar), but, as the celebration followed a particularly grueling day of work, and at the suggestion of Dax, Kira today decided to go for the Romulan ale. While downing a cup, she belatedly realized just how strong this drink was, and why it was, supposedly, illegal in the Federation. A sharp burning sensation filled Kira, as she registered a strong citrus flavor that still utterly failed to conceal an overwhelming bitterness. As the mood of the ceremony shifted from formal yet cheerful to lively and intoxicated, Kira gravitated to her best friend, Commander Dax, giving her a look that she had rarely let out before. For her part, Dax relished her attention, pushing aside the sad voice that told her how hopeless it was to pursue someone who could only show unrepressed attraction when drunk; she was flattered by the way in which the Major’s eyes roamed up and down her spots. Staring at Dax in the eyes, she told her, unaware or unconcerned with how inane she sounded: “You have the best arms, and such beautiful spots, and you smell wonderful.” The desire to kiss Kira, to open her eyes to her own wishes, was overwhelming for Dax, yet she managed to hold back, to remember that however tempting it may seem now, when they both were sober it would be nothing but a further barrier.

Having returned to her quarters after the ceremony, still drunk, Kira opened up a PADD. The haze prevented her really considering what she was looking up, or why, as she un-self-consciously opened up an article about Trill physiology. Scrolling down, she began to read:

_The only bodily_ _sexual_ _differentiation in Trills are secondary sexual characteristics, which develop according to the wishes of the individual Trill throughout their teenage years and young adulthood, including joining_ _if applicable_ _._ _Each Trill thus, much like Earth slugs, maintains two types of genitalia and produces two types of gametes._

The next morning, wandering into Ops, waiting for the hypospray to take away her hangover, Kira found herself flushed at Dax’s grin: “So, you like my arms?”

“Arms?...oh yeah, I was wondering if you’d be interested in playing springball with me.” She wanted little more than to lock herself alone in an empty room and scream in embarassment, a wish that grew still more insistent as she realized that springball would mean seeing more of Jadzia’s arms, a prospect that, for reasons unknown to her, brought up a complicated mixture of desire and fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a trans woman, I relate a lot to Jadzia and Ezri Dax, and indeed, to the joined Trill as a whole, and so here, I sought to extend the metaphor. While joining is a great metaphor for transness, it’s not a 1-to-1 metaphor, and I didn’t intend to make Trill biology a 1-to-1 metaphor for transness: I merely wished to elaborate on it, to provide the Trills with bodies similar (though again, not identical) to my own. Within the constraints of the show, Trills do have gender (a gender system that appears similar to that of the modern West, though clearly looser); here, I’ve decided to make it work differently. Thus, in this fic, it makes no sense to ascribe cis-ness to the Trill (joined and unjoined alike), though it still makes metaphorical sense to ascribe transness.


End file.
